My Experience: Being a MAP/GL

After my post about my experience being transrace, I figured I’d keep the “My Experience” series going and talk about being a minor-attracted person and a girllover! Hopefully this can serve as an educational piece for the radqueer community, outsiders, and those questioning their orientation. Just like always, this is my personal experience, and is not representative of all MAPs. With that out of the way, let’s begin!

I mentioned before how I started to realize a lot of queer stuff about me around the age of chrono 14 or so, and my minor-attraction was no exception. I didn’t think about it much at the time, just thoughts here and there, but I started to suspect that I was into younger youth. I remember starting to have sexual fantasies about children, and I started to seek out loli porn. But I wasn’t naive, I could see the way people online talked about pedophiles, so while I embraced the fictional aspect of being a lolicon, any attraction I had to real children was suppressed.

And that worked for a while. Over the course of years I didn’t think much of being a pedophile, other than “intrusive thoughts.” But it certainly didn’t go away, no matter how much I tried. The more I tried to hide it, the more sexual thoughts I had about children. Eventually I decided that I was done pretending to be someone I wasn’t; whether I liked it or not, I was attracted to children, and instead of suppressing this side of me, I should explore it. I was chrono 19 or so at the time. This was around the same time I decided to explore my transrace identity, and shortly after is when I learned about radqueer.

This is when I discovered VirPed, or Virtuous Pedophiles, a support group forum for anti-contact minor-attracted people. From there I learned a lot about the MAP (Minor-Attracted Person) community. I learned about contact stances, age of attraction, childlove, MAP culture and history, and a lot more. At the time I identified as anti-contact, partially because I was surrounded by other anti-contacts, but eventually I would find myself in a space that was open to all contact stances, and from there my viewpoint widened. This was the point that I realized I wasn’t just some freak. There were others like me, and they weren’t what the media said they were. 

You’ve probably heard the story before: from there I went to the pediverse, then I got doxxed, yadda yadda yadda. I won’t go into depth about this chapter of my life because I have done so so many times before, but if you want to read about it then please check out my blog article Life Being Doxxed. This post is gonna be less about my history and more about my experience on what it’s actually like being a MAP/GL (girllover).

My attraction to youth is much the same in the way that a non-MAP is attracted to adults. In fact, I am nonexclusive, so I can definitively say that the way I am attracted to youth is the same as the way I’m attracted to adults. Many think that pedophilia is the same as child abuse, or that it’s a fetish for kids, but that is not the case. Simply put, a pedophile is someone who experiences attraction to children—it is an orientation. Pedophile literally translates to “child lover.”

Some see orientation and think that that means the gender you are attracted to, but that is not true. Orientation simply defines any number of characteristics that shape who you can feel attraction to. Age actually plays a big part into orientation for everyone, not just MAPs. Many people are only attracted to adults, which is a type of age attraction. For pedophiles, that age of attraction simply goes much lower. Some pedophiles are exclusively attracted to children, while other’s, like myself, are also attracted to adults. 

My orientation is complex because it is different for girls than it is for guys. I am attracted to both females and males, but with widely different circumstances. For guys I’m only attracted to young men who fit the “pretty boy” type (picture a young Damon Albarn). But for girls, where most of my orientation lies, my attraction is less picky. I would say that I am attracted to girls between the ages of 8 and 60 or so, and the ages that I find myself attracted to the most are the mid teens, peaking around 16 or so. So, yes, I am a pedophile, but not necessarily preferentially. I am simply a sapphic who just so happens to also be attracted to young girls. (I do not personally consider attraction to anyone who has finished puberty to be paraphilic in nature; it’s completely normal to be attracted to someone who’s sexually mature.)

(For those unaware, there are different chronophilia labels for attraction based off of developmental stages, where ages serve as an approximation of when in someone’s life they’re going to be at that stage. A pedophile is someone attracted to pre-pubescent children around the 6-12 range. A hebephile is someone attracted to pubescent teenagers around the 12-16 range. And an ephebophile is someone attracted to teenagers who have finished puberty who are not legally adults. There also exists chronophilias for infants, adults, and various other stages, but that is outside the scope of this blog post. For more information you can read the Wikipedia article on Chronophilia.)

My attraction is more than just sexual, as mentioned. I also can feel romantic feelings towards children, and experience platonic attraction, aesthetic attraction, sensual attraction, etc. One thing that is often missed about pedophiles is, as the name implies, we have a genuine love for children. Where many people see children as just future adults, pedophiles embrace childhood as a legitimate state of being, and want rights for children in the form of youthlib. We know that kids grow up someday, but that doesn’t mean that the temporary nature of being a child makes you any lesser of a person. 

So, no, my attraction to youth is not some fetish or disorder. I am simply someone who experiences attraction just like any other adult, but where age is less of a factor. Attraction to children can be fetishized, but then again so can attraction to adults. I lust over the flat chests of little girls, but how is that any different than the way most adults (including me) find large breasts to be attractive?

There is no good reason to believe that attraction to children is somehow a mental illness or disorder. Many think that everyone who was abused as a child will grow up to be a pedophile, but that relationship is theoretical at best and has never been proven to be causal. Some say that it’s bad to be attracted to those who can’t reproduce, but isn’t that the same for gay adults as well? Pedophilia isn’t “normal” but I don’t think we should claim that it is. Queer means weird, and we should embrace that. As soon as people try to claim that their experiences are actually “normal”, then they can claim superiority over others who they view as freaks. It is not “normal” to be queer, it never was, and we shouldn’t try to say that it is. There’s nothing wrong with being weird.

Anyways, I’m getting off topic. Let’s get back on track. 

As a girllover, my love for girls is not limited to the realm of fiction; I have found myself attracted to real children before. The first real example I can think of was when I worked a teaching position and I taught youth aged 6-14 or so, I was about chrono 17 at the time. (I won’t go into too much detail about some of the people I’ve experienced attraction to, as I want to preserve their privacy and avoid possible legal action [such as restraining orders] against me.)

One of my students was very shy. She basically never spoke, and when she did it wasn’t above a whisper. I had to lean in real close to her just to hear anything she said. But I was kind to her, and I showed interest in what she was doing (which was usually playing video games), accommodating her quietness. I was not attracted to her, but childlove is about more than just attraction, it’s about the genuine love of children and valuing them for who they are. Over time she started to open up to me, and she talked to me a lot, and no longer was she whispering. When I told the other teachers about the things she talked to me about, their reaction was “she talks?”

This is just an example of how the love of children can be beneficial to society. Those who do not love children do not seek to accommodate them, they only seek to do their job, forcing them to learn through holding authority over them. But for those who seek to dismantle that authority, and treat youth as people, we can make them feel more comfortable as children. It doesn’t matter if we’re sexually attracted to them or not, just being able to be attracted to children shows us a perspective that most of society doesn’t see: that kids are more than just future adults.

Conversely, there was another girl in my class that I was attracted to, she seemed to be about 12 years old or so. Heck, I didn’t even know I like liked her at the time! This was years before I finally internalized that I was a pedophile; at the time I thought my attraction was just intrusive thoughts and a deep seated need to become a parent. When I finally did realize I was a pedophile, I looked back at old messages I had sent my girlfriend at the time, and one of them was talking about how happy this little girl made me, and how she gave me a reason to come to work every day… It’s funny how I didn’t realize at the time what that feeling was, but I had spent so long repressing being a pedophile that feelings such as love were muddied in doubt. 

My fondest memory of her was when she lent me her school laptop so I could help her with something creative she was doing, and when I finished, it turns out she had borrowed my laptop and was making me a house in Minecraft! I have no idea what kind of feelings this girl had for me, if they were mutual, or if she just thought I was the teacher that was “cool”, but she clearly liked me enough to do something like that for me. Sometimes the love between children and adults isn’t sexual or even romantic, it can just be doing nice things for each other out of friendship. Yes, I did have sexual and romantic thoughts about her, but the way they manifested was as friendliness. We as a society try so hard to segregate kids and adults, only allowing it in contexts where the adult has authority, but if we didn’t I think we’d see this a lot more. 

Aside from that, I didn’t really have any attraction to other kids in my classes. I treated them like people, helped them with their work, and tried to do my job as an educator. I may not like the systems of authority that education creates, but I enjoy sharing my knowledge with others, especially the little ones. The kids all really liked me, and were sad when I left… I’m not so sure that the other teachers got the same treatment. 

After I quit that job it would be a while before I had any other experiences of attraction with children. At the other jobs I worked kids would come in sometimes, which was nice, but nothing really left an impact. 

Eventually, after moving to a new apartment and realizing that I was a MAP, I would meet a neighbor girl who I enjoyed spending time with, she was about 8 years old. She’s the girl that I made all those embarrassing social media posts about… I have regrets about how I handled the situation, but I can’t turn back the clock and undo them, so the best thing I can do is tell my side of the story. (Once again I won’t be going into too much detail for the sake of privacy and safety, but these posts get brought up so often that I can’t just ignore them.)

We were just two neighbors who liked to spend time together. I have no way of knowing how she felt about me, but at the least she liked being around me. When I’d go off to work she would sometimes see me leaving and say goodbye, she even asked me once if I could go over to her apartment (to which I told her that I couldn’t). I think she activated the parent in me, as suddenly I wanted to take care of her. Honestly my biggest fantasy at the time was just babysitting her—baking treats, making arts and crafts, playing games—in addition to the others. It sure would’ve been nice if other things could’ve happened between us, but that’s not why I spent time with her, and even if they could’ve happened I still wouldn’t have acted on that opportunity.

So did I have feelings for her? Yes. Should I have broadcast those feelings to the world? Absolutely not. It’s no excuse, but when you spend so much of your life suppressing a part of yourself, and you’re finally in spaces that tell you it’s okay not to suppress that, you kind of overcorrect, at least in my opinion, and that led to me making some not-so-wise posts about my sexual fantasies involving her, and jokes about “grooming.” If I was in the same situation again I would absolutely not do a repeat of last time. I like to think that after spending so much time in this community and after having friends in-person I can be myself around, I’ve started to “balance out” when it comes to being a MAP. Like I said, I overcorrected and made not-so-smart decisions, fetishizing a child and broadcasting that to the world, but these days I don’t really feel the need to tell everyone those feelings, and me being attracted to children has become so normal that I don’t really fetishize it that often. If I was seeing an adult I had a crush on I wouldn’t tell everyone all my sexual fantasies about them, and I wouldn’t do that for a child either anymore. 

Anyways, aside from her and the girl in my class, I haven’t really had any other kid crushes. As I’ve said before, most of my attraction lies to older teenagers and young adults. There isn’t really much to say on the matter since it’s not as big of a deal as pedophilia. Most I can say is that I’ve had some age gap crushes before that some would consider “inappropriate.” At one of my jobs I had a really big crush on a coworker that was 16 and I was chrono 20 at the time. I never asked her out though because, despite what the antis think, I’m too shy to pursue relationships with basically anyone, let alone teenagers/children. I haven’t had many other crushes on teenagers as an adult, but I’m not really in a position where I’m in contact with many younger people, so those circumstances just aren’t there, which is probably for the best.

God, I used to think it wasn’t that weird that I was attracted to 16 year olds, but that was back when I had just turned 20. Now that age gap is getting bigger lol. I still don’t really think it’s “weird”; like I said, from a biological standpoint it’s normal to be attracted to people who have finished puberty, but I guess it’s just weird that I’m getting older and the ages of the people that I’m attracted to isn’t changing. I didn’t really understand that particular MAP experience before, I hear a lot of people say that’s how it felt to them when they realized they weren’t quite normal, but I guess I do now since these days I embrace my ephebophile side more and the time that has passed since I was a 16 year old is getting longer. 

Anyways, those are my main experiences being a MAP/GL! I think kids are wonderful, and I love girls in many ways. From just treating them like people, to wanting to nurture them, to the sexual and romantic feelings, I can say with certainty that I am a girl lover. I hope this blog post serves its purposes as educational and informative. I wrote this for a few reasons, partially to give an official statement on my old social media posts, but mostly to just tell on my experiences being a MAP. I’ve been getting a lot more attention since Reduxx and Slyboy started talking about me, and while that does bring a lot of hate my way, it’s also brought a lot of genuinely curious people who want to hear me out, or who might be questioning being a MAP themselves. Not everyone who visits my blog is familiar with the radqueer community, but that doesn’t mean they’re hard-line antis either, and articles like this might do a good job at getting folks like that to give our people a chance, so I’m probably going to start writing more stuff like this in the future. 

In general I think that if we want our acceptance, we’re going to need to tell our stories. We all have experiences that define who we are, whether they’re about what we identify as or who we love, and those stories are what’s going to start getting people to think about who we really are. We’re not monsters or predators, we’re people, people that just so happen to be attracted to minors. Let’s share these stories, with people we know and people we don’t know. Doing so might turn the page to a new chapter of history.