How To: Get Out There

Tl;Dr; Following are some steps you can take to make in-person meetups safer. You do not need to take all these precautions, just do the ones that you feel like you need.

1. Find someone to meet up with online by giving out a vague idea of where you live,
2. don't give out unnecessary PII about yourself,
3. look for others wanting to do meet ups,
4. get to know who you're gonna me meeting up with beforehand,
5. meet somewhere public,
6. keep the details of your meetup private,
7. communicate using secure (encrypted) channels,
8. ask a friend to come with you,
9. let a friend know where you'll be and a time you'll check in with them,
10. wear a specific piece of clothing for identification,
11. don't be overly paranoid,
12. keep them updated,
13. keep information compartmentalized,
14. look out for people trying to change your plans,
15. look out for people asking for excessive amounts of PII,
16. look out for if the number of people you find at the meetup is different than what you are expecting,
17. create a plan for if things go wrong ahead of time,
18. bring self defense, such as pepper gel,
19. if things go wrong, lock down your devices and know your rights,
20. prepare for the worst, but hope for the best.

I've been experimenting with a lot of different blog article themes lately, and this time around I wanted to write a guide! It's easy for me to just write up on theory and try to convince people to implement that into their lives, but that's not as effective as just giving straight instructions on what to do and how you should be doing it. This article will go into detail on how to do in-person meetups as safely as realistically possible. Many in this community are inexperienced and afraid, and the idea of meeting up with people who may be antis is scary, but with the right steps taken, meetups can become something safe and fun! 

As I've said so many times before, so many people, not even just in this community, are in a loneliness epidemic. Current results from my survey (as of writing this) show that 21% of people in this community have no friends in-person at all (compare to approximately 10% of the total American population without irl friends), and 64% don't have friends who are radqueer. Some people may choose not to have irl friends, and that's perfectly fine, but I know there are a lot of people in this community who want to have friends they can be themselves around, and they just have a hard time trying to find people like that out of fear of being discriminated against, which is fair. Some places in the world may not be safe at all for trying to do meetups, places where even just being regular queer is still deadly, but a lot of places are safe for that if the right precautions are taken.

In-person meetups are going to be vital to the success of this movement. As I've also said so many times before, we cannot stay online forever, and if we want our rights then we must brave scary scenarios, but that doesn't mean there aren't ways to make them less scary. By being smart and taking the proper safety precautions, even the riskiest of meetups can become a comforting thought. Remember, we're here to make friends! We worry a lot about what might happen if things go south, but we're doing this for a good reason, and it's important to remember that. It's also important to remember that the risk looks a lot worse than it is, when in reality it's not that dangerous.

I think I have the proper experience to write about this topic effectively. Through Bt+ I learned how to do things right, and how not to do things right. I've done many meetups, both one-on-one and in groups, and never have I come face-to-face with an anti. I think that risk is a lot lower than people think, it's a sort of survivorship bias I guess. When someone does a meetup that goes well they're probably not going to announce it to all of social media, but if it goes wrong then the news that bad shit went down is gonna spread fast. 

But that risk does exist, and I think it's higher for some than for others. For starters, if you are using clearnet online spaces for illegal things openly, then, yes, there is a higher chance of law enforcement trying to meet up with you. So just, don't do that; it's not smart. This also goes for if you're trying to meetup with someone to do illegal things together. A lot of those interactions are probably genuine, but this type of scenario is specifically what most undercover feds are trying to do, pose as minors to lure in pedophiles. So, again, just... don't. And lastly, if you're a bigger target, such as a community leader or someone running a website, then you're also probably going to attract more risky attention. Antis are likely not going to waste time on some random Pawoo users, but instance admins? Activists? That's a more appealing target.

I just wanted to get that out of the way, because I think it helps people to know that that risk isn't as big as it seems. I've done a lot of meetups, as mentioned, and I've never had anything like this happen to me. If someone in my position, a public activist who runs a website, ran a radqueer organization, and constantly outs her real name and location, can do meetups and never even come close to being in danger, then you can too. Your odds are probably better honestly. (Though location is something to keep in mind. I live in one of the most liberal places in the United States. Results may vary for those living in rural towns, or even cities in places like Florida.)

But before we get into how to do the actual meetup, there's a bigger question at hand, how do you find who to meetup with? There's a whole Tumblr/fediverse/Bskyverse/Discordverse (wow there's a lot of social media spheres) of people out there, so which ones are you able to actually meet up with? 

Who do I even meet up with?

There's a few ways to go about this. The first is by luck, where someone you've been friends with online for a while just so happens to live near you. The next is a long-distance meetup, which involves some sort of travel to meet someone you've known for a while. Another way is to just come out to your current friends. It can go good or bad, but if it goes good then it turns out you had cool friends all along, and if it goes bad then you just weeded someone out who didn't really care about you. Additionally, you can wear pride accessories and similar things to see if anyone recognizes them, such as paraphilia symbols or pride flags. There's always a possibility that someone who's not cool will recognize it and cause trouble, but a lot less people know these symbols than one would think. But the main type of meetup that I'll be focusing on in this article is meeting up with someone nearby online who you aren't already friends with. 

In order to set something like that up, my main advice is to give out a vague idea of where you live, such as the nearest major city. For the longest time before I actually lived in Seattle, I put in my bio that I lived in Seattle, and that meant I was able to meet up with other people who lived near Seattle, but not necessarily in it, while retaining some privacy. Other alternatives are to just list your state/country, if you want to be more private. You can put this in your bio, or in a post advertising that you want to do meetups. A lot of people in this community are itching to make friends, so I'm sure as soon as someone who lives in your area sees where you live, they'll be excited and want to meet up. A lot of people are willing to travel short distances for this as well. Back when I ran Bt+ we had members who lived very far away from Seattle still attend events, that's how important community is to people!

The main concern people have with putting your location out there is that you'll be more likely to get doxxed. This is true, but only in part. Someone is not going to be able to dox you with just one piece of information (though it's easier if you live in a small town). Millions of people live in cities as big as New York, so just putting that you live there isn't gonna get antis swarming to try and dox you. However, it can make it easier to pinpoint who you are. Consider that someone is already ready to dox you, but there's two people they think you might be. One lives in one state and the other lives in a different state. If you say where you live, then you're giving that final piece of information to dox you. This is a very unlikely scenario, as most people aren't going to be targets of doxxing, but it still can happen. To reduce the chances of this happening, it's best to keep most information at a need-to-know basis. For instance, people don't need to know your legal name if you're advertising meetups. Though at the end of the day, the more information about yourself that you put out there, the more likely it is that someone can start connecting the dots on who you are. This is unfortunately not possible to avoid 100%, as in-person meetups means you're putting your real self out there and at risk. Doxxing is a realistic threat, but I think people tend to think it's more dangerous than it really is. I recommend reading my blog post Life Being Doxxed, as the fear of being doxxed is something we're all going to have to overcome if we want in-person community to work, otherwise our movement will just stay online forever.

If you don't want to put your location, you can also just put that you're looking to do meetups and to have people DM you if they're interested. This is more likely to get people who don't live anywhere nearby, but it also might be more likely to filter out antis looking for low-hanging fruit, so it's a tradeoff. You can also say where you live in more private spaces, like group chats where people have already all been vetted, as opposed to social media bios that the entire world can read. 

Now you're in a state where people can see that you're looking for meetups and want to meet you, this is something asynchronous, which means you have some time to wait until someone bites. At this point, it's possible others might also be looking for people to meet up with, so go on the offensive! Check profiles to see if anyone else is advertising living nearby to you, look through your friends' posts, maybe one of them has offhandedly mentioned going to a place you've been to before. In general, just go around looking for others wanting to meetup and start talking to them. Even if they don't live in your area it's possible they're friends with someone who does. Finding friends doesn't have to involve a direct line of contact; I've met many new friends because of people that we both knew that connected us. On the other side, if you're the one with a friend that lives in a place, and you see someone saying they live in that place and want to meet new friends, then try to get them in contact with each other (with each other's consent)! We're a community, and that means that we all have connections, and we form networks of people. Networks can be connected in unexpected ways.

Okay, at this point let's assume that you've found someone you're gonna meet up with. If it's a close friend, then great! Find somewhere to meet each other and have fun! But if it's someone you don't know, then there's a big question to ask: is this gonna be safe? You may even be asking this question if it is a close friend. Most antis are lazy, but some are willing to play the long game to trick people, so it's sensible to wonder how safe you'll be no matter who you're meeting up with. The rest of this blog article will give tips to staying safe. In the best case scenario, they just end up being unnecessary, but in the worst case scenario they may prevent you from getting hurt. 

How do I stay safe?

I want to preface this by saying that I really do think the risk of harm is exaggerated. It's never happened to me, and I don't know anyone that it has happened to either. These are merely precautions, and I am not saying them to try to freak you out. The further along you get in a meetup, the lower the odds get that you'll be in danger. If you're talking to an anti, then odds are they're just going to try to dox you, as that's the easiest way for them to hurt you. They probably don't even live nearby. Safe meetups happen all the time in our community, so take a breath and relax, it'll be okay. Just keep a look out for any red flags that may indicate the person has ill intentions, and follow the steps to ensure that if things do go south that you come out of there safe.

It should go without saying, but first try to get to know the person you'll be meeting up with. Take as much time as you need to feel confident that who you're meeting up with is legit. Ask them about their history in the community, their non-normative identities, or their experiences being radqueer. This can help get a vibe from them, as antis usually won't know what to say. Additionally, even if it's not an anti, this should tell you how compatible you are with them. If you're not compatible, then that's probably something best to learn early on. If you end up not wanting to meet with the other person there's nothing to feel bad about, just tell them you don't feel like it anymore, or that you don't feel safe. I won't recommend lying but it's up to you what you say really. This is also a good time to make sure this person actually lives in the area. Ask them about their favorite places to go, or what they like to do. Obviously this is something anyone can fake, as maps exist, but if they respond telling you about how every weekend when they go to the farmer's market they pay tribute to the St. Rat painting in Cal An Park, then odds are that person really does live in Seattle, and isn't some anti in some rural town trying to get you to dox yourself. Additionally, if you're meeting up with someone who has a reputation, then check in to make sure it's really them and not someone posing as them. You can do this by sending a message through their official channels (such as their website or primary social media account) and asking for confirmation that you're talking to the real them.

When meeting up with someone, meet somewhere public. I know a lot of us want to be in private spaces so we feel more comfortable talking about taboo things, but for the first meeting all you need is to be safe. Being in public means that someone is less likely to be violent against you, and if they do try something you can call out for help, or disappear into a crowd. It's a good idea to scout out the place you'll be meeting at ahead of time, that way you can locate exits ahead of time and create a plan to escape in case you need to use them. After the first few meetings, once you feel like someone is 100% safe, then you can meet in more private locations. 

The details of your meetup should be private, especially if you're organizing something for multiple people. If you publicize the meeting details, not only will this attract bad attention, but it'll scare the people who want to attend in good faith into not coming. 

Use secure channels, such as encrypted chat like Signal. The main thing you want to avoid is using a platform that's unencrypted, and is either federated or ran independently. If you communicate over social media, then it's easy for the admins and mods to see what you're talking about, especially over the fediverse; if you're communicating with someone on a different instance from you, then the admins and mods from both websites can see what you're up to. Something ran by a company is probably safer, as the mods at Discord likely aren't going to cause a fuss over radqueers trying to meet up, but in general using encrypted communications apps is something everyone should be doing. Do you really want people spying on all your messages?

If you have other radqueer friends irl, another good option is to ask a friend to come along with you to the meetup. After all, there is safety in numbers. Though if you do this, be sure to disclose it to the other party, because if you tell them you'll be alone and then you bring someone with you, then you'll be the one looking like an anti. We should always make the assumption that it's possible the person you're meeting up could be an anti, but don't let that make you forget that they may be a potential friend who's scared just like you, so don't freak them out, m'kay?

Another similar option to the above is to let a close friend know where you'll be ahead of time. You can use a location sharing app, or you can just tell them. Then, tell them a time that you'll plan to get in contact with them by, and that if they don't hear from you by then to message you. If they don't hear back from you, then it's possible something bad happened, and from there they can enact some plan to try and make sure that you're safe. When I do this, I usually set a grace period, that way they don't freak out if I don't respond right away. It may also be a good idea to set an alarm on your phone to remind you to check in, since it can be easy to forget when you're distracted by connecting with a new friend. You should also let the person you're meeting know that you're doing this; if it's another radqueer, then they'll completely understand why you're taking the safety precaution, but if it's an anti, they'll be discouraged from doing anything bad, as they'll be more likely to get caught. As far as what plan to enact if things go wrong, it really depends. I'm never going to recommend working with law enforcement, but that may be the route that some people choose to go. 

There's also the question of how to know who you're meeting with. After all, all people know each other by online is usernames and profile pictures. One option is for both parties to send a picture of themselves, that way you can recognize each other, and if an anti is pretending to be someone else then you'll notice they aren't there. You're going to meet each other in-person, so you're going to see each other's faces anyways, so there isn't too much risk to sending a picture of yourself. However, there is always the chance that someone is trying to trick you, and they could use that picture to dox you, so if you don't feel comfortable giving out your picture there are other ways to identify each other. One option is to just describe what you look like, it can be helpful to wear a specific garment of clothing for identification, and say something like "look for the person with the white scarf." (Yes this is a Phoenix Wright reference but it's still good advice.) On the topic of clothing, if you're worried about your picture getting taken, you can wear a mask to cover your face.

Additionally, try not to be overly paranoid, as that can scare the other party. Don't say you're gonna show up at a certain time, and then lurk around at that time to scope things out, leaving the other person alone and afraid, otherwise you'll be the one looking suspicious. If you want to scope things out, then do that ahead of time so you're not keeping the other person waiting.

Similarly, keep the other party updated on where you are. If you're running late, then let them know, otherwise being told that you're going to be meeting up at a certain time and then not seeing anyone is going to make it look like it's a setup. 

Finally, if you're running an event for a group, then keep information compartmentalized. This means that not everyone has all the info, that way if something happens to someone then they can't give all the info away. If you're worried about antis trying to infiltrate a group meeting, and you have some sort of membership list, then don't share the list with anyone else. If your event requires a bouncer, then create some sort of password and give that to all the invitees. That way you can ensure that everyone at the event is legit, without leaking sensitive information.

Now you don't need to do ALL of these steps, I sure as hell don't, but each one can improve your safety in one way, and the more you do the safer you'll be. Just do as many as you feel you need to do to feel safe. Personally, I just get to know who I'm meeting with, ask to meet somewhere public, use encrypted messengers, keep the details private, bring self defense, and, sometimes, bring a friend along. 

Red flags

Sometimes safety is creating the right environment in order to avoid bad things happening, other times it's knowing what signs to look for that might indicate someone has bad intentions. Here are some red flags to look out for:

Firstly, remember that your safety is what matters here, and any measures you want to take to keep yourself safe are reasonable. You're the one setting up this meetup, so be wary of people who want you to change your plans, especially in ways that make you feel unsafe. Like if you ask to meetup somewhere public, and they ask to meet at your home instead; that's a red flag. Look out for things like this, as it can easily weed out antis early on. Remember that antis are always going to look for the easiest way to scare you, so if they can get by with just getting your address and doxxing you, they will. They probably live somewhere far away and likely aren't going to come to your home to hurt you.

Another red flag is if the person asks for an excessive amount of personal information. When getting to know someone, it's normal to want to learn about their interests, what they do in life, etc. But if someone asks for where you live, when your birthday is, for your phone number, for your email address, for a picture, or any other personally identifying information, then that might be a red flag. Just one of these on their own probably isn't a big deal, but if someone asks for a lot of information, especially if it's over text, then that could mean they're trying to build a profile on you. Only tell them info you're comfortable giving away. If they try to pressure you into sharing personal information, then that's also a red flag.

Another big red flag is if the number of people you end up meeting with are different than you expected it to be. This can be on large scales or on small scales. If someone tells you that they'll be with some friends, but they're alone, then it might be an ambush. If someone tells you that they'll be alone, but they're with a crowd of people, then it could be a trap as well. As mentioned earlier, if either party intends on bringing others along, then make sure the other knows about it!

What if things do go wrong?

In the off chance that you've managed to get to the actual meetup part of the meetup, and the person isn't who they said they are, a feeling of panic might set in. Take a deep breath and follow these steps, you'll make it out okay. Odds are they won't want to kill you, they probably won't even want to hurt you, they'll probably just want to dox or harass you. Obviously that's not a good thing, but it's better than what most people think the worst case scenario is. Regardless, it's important to be prepared for the worst:

Before you end up in the bad scenario, create a plan. Scout out the area beforehand to locate exits that way if you need to leave you can do it without hesitation. Plan for who you might call, where you might go, what you might do, etc.

Be prepared to defend yourself. Pepper spray is a popular self defense option, but the lesser known better option is pepper gel, which is the same thing but a gel instead of a spray. It's considered better because it's less likely to get caught by the wind and hit the wrong target. I always recommend pepper gel because I detest lethal self defense, but if you feel the need to carry a legal weapon such as a gun then do so, just be safe and smart with it. There are other means of self defense, such as other types of weapons and defensive martial arts, but the pepper gel is the easiest, effective, entry level self defense tool there is. In general, tools of self defense are things you should always have with you, as you never know when you'll get mugged, or whatever. You can buy pepper gel online, as well as at some drug or gun stores. A simple search online should reveal where you can buy pepper gel nearby. 

If you are concerned about what might happen if your phone is confiscated, then lock down your devices and know your rights. Keep the contents of your phone encrypted, and turn it off if it's looking like shit might hit the fan. Even if you don't have anything sketchy on your phone, there's still a lot of data that cops or antis can get from it that could endanger others. If you end up meeting with a cop, then remember your fifth amendment rights, and don't tell them anything. The only thing you should ask if you're being detained, and if the answer is no, then you're free to leave. If you are being detained, then don't say anything else without a lawyer present. In general, just... don't talk to cops. It's their job to trick you into forgetting your rights. Knowing your rights is how you fight back against that. 

Conclusion

Meetups are something that are generally safe and fun! At this point, I have independently met up with approximately 15 people from online radqueer spaces, and including through Bt+ I have met another 10. Not once have I, a public figure, come face-to-face with an anti (at least that I know of), so hopefully those numbers should reassure you that meetups are safe, but it's still good to be prepared just in case. It's possible that I could've ended up meeting an anti if I hadn't taken some of these safety measures, so don't go thinking that you don't need to do them at all. 

We shouldn't let the fear of what could happen stop us from living a genuine life. Rather, we should prepare for the worst case scenario and hope for the best. That is how you stay safe, while not letting the fear of things going wrong stop you from taking risks at all. There's a whole internet of friends out there that you can meet in person, that's an exciting idea! We should be thinking of that instead of the fear that by some chance someone will go to the lengths of trying to hurt us. I worry that this blog article may make that idea more scary by presenting all of the worst case scenarios, so remember that just because something is the worst case scenario doesn't mean it'll happen. There's a big difference between things that can happen, and will happen, and the ability to recognize that distinction is important.

So I hope you take this advice to heart and get out there! I have seen how life-changing community can be, firsthand and secondhand. Even if Bt+ is gone, I still want to help people in this community find each other. I wanted to believe that a public organization was the way to do that, but it became clear that that wasn't the case. The only remaining option is for us to keep our chins up and be brave and find community ourselves. I know it's scary, but it's okay to be scared; I'm scared too. Every time I do a meetup I get anxious, and while planning meetups I worry that the worst case scenario could happen. Nobody lives without fear, but what's important is that we find the ability to be brave, which is defined by persevering through fear. I fear for my life almost every day. If I can power through that and make positive changes in my life and the lives of others, without ever facing actual danger, then you can too.

- Ally K <3