Internalization

When society tells you one thing over and over again, you start to believe it’s true, even if you know deep down in your heart that it isn’t. That is internalization. This blog post is about several different internalized mindsets I see in this community, why they are harmful, and what thoughts we should be replacing them with.

Like it or not, we’re fighting a battle for our rights, and that’s a battle in enemy territory. Our enemies—fascists, queerphobes, whoever—have the upper hand, but between all the weapons at their disposal, nothing is as powerful as being able to change the way we think. When they tell us things like how we’ll never be accepted, or how everyone hates us, we start to believe it over time, even if we don’t want to. And when we start to believe that, that harms our community and the movement we’re trying to make happen. Our weapon in this battle is unlearning, or taking those internalizations we’ve been learning our entire lives, and replacing them with the truth.

We hear it time and time again: “Radqueers will never be accepted.” Antis like to shove it in our face that society hates us, as if we don’t already know it. They want us to really believe that never in a million years will pedophiles be allowed to wave our flags in a pride parade, that transage people will never be legally recognized as their internal age, etc. We all wish it could be the case, and some brave people try to fight for those rights, but they inevitably fail. We’re doomed, right? 

When we hold that mindset, any hope of trying to achieve our acceptance is diminished. If you truly believe that radqueers will never ever be accepted, then that will not only make you lose out on hope in life, but it will affect your actions. Everything being done in the name of securing the future we want is meaningless if you whole-heartedly believe that that future is impossible. Our rights will only come when we learn to stick up for ourselves and form communities, but if you think those rights are impossible, then of course you’re not going to pursue either of those things. When we internalize that the goal of a future where radqueers can be accepted is impossible, we start to believe that everything else leading up to it is meaningless, and is a risk with no reward.

So what do you do? Latch onto hope. If you can find even a sliver of hope where you believe that we as a community have a future that’s not hiding in the shadows, then grab hold of it and don’t let go. You can also find ways to make that hope bigger; whenever I spend time with my community, I feel more hopeful, and it’s easier to imagine that future. That future isn’t impossible, it’s just waiting on us. There are elder gays around today that can remember a time where being gay could get you hatecrimed, things change fast. Just because things look grim now doesn’t mean they can’t change.

It’s also important to think of things on a smaller scale. We all want the world to change, but the world is a big place. Maybe radqueers becoming fully accepted in society doesn’t matter as much as just making sure that you, the one reading this, can live a genuine life. If you can find some friends you can be open around, maybe even meet some other radqueers, suddenly it doesn’t really matter if the whole world accepts us, what matters is just that your world does. Back before Stonewall, gay people in the United States had no promise of a future of acceptance, but they had each other, and look at what that led to.

On a related note, another internalization I often see is that everyone hates radqueers. That every single person, more or less, wants us dead. I think this internalization comes from a bit of a loud minority, where the people who do hate us and want us dead constantly tell us so. For those who don’t really feel strongly about radqueers, they don’t really have a reason to voice those opinions. And for those who do support radqueers, doing so publicly is social suicide. The end result is that it appears like everyone hates us.

And it is true, a lot of people do hate us, but it’s far from everyone. When we internalize that there are no allies of our cause, and that everyone is out to get us, that also affects the actions we take and the vision of our future that we see. 

In reality, a lot of people do support radqueers. I’ve heard stories from many people about coming out to friends, family, classmates, and coworkers, and being greeted with support and love, even for pro-c’s. I have also heard the opposite, I’m sure we’ve all heard coming out horror stories, but the point that I’m trying to make is that it’s not nearly everyone who hates radqueers, and when you think that it is, it makes things like coming out a lot scarier. After all, why risk coming out to someone if you’re convinced that doing so will surely be a death sentence?

How do we mend this? By seeing it for ourselves. It’s scary to do so, but you may be surprised by what might happen when you come out to someone. Prepare for the worst, and only come out to people you feel safe doing so with and if you’re in a scenario where you can handle it if things go really bad. Things might go south, but if they don’t, then you can see for yourself that not everyone hates us.

Even for those who are anti-radqueer, a lot of people have an idea in their mind of what a “pedophile” is, and when that idea goes unchallenged they double down on it. By coming out, we’re showing them that that’s not who we are. I’ve heard of minds getting changed, not between strangers, but close friends; when you really trust and love someone, you don’t want to believe that they’re a monster, you’ll hear them out.

Another thing I see often internalized is that radqueers are “rare.” That there are only a handful of us in any given area, and that an entire country might only have a few radqueers in it. And it’s true that it’s hard to find other radqueers, but I don’t think it’s because we’re some extremely rare species, it’s just because a lot of radqueers don’t know they’re radqueer yet. 

Studies show that up to 5% of a population might be minor-attracted. That’s 1-in-20 people, meaning that a city the size of NYC has over 400,000 MAPs living in it! Even a rural town with a population of 1,000 people is bound to have around 50 MAPs with that math. It’s impossible to know what the exact numbers are, but minor-attraction is not nearly as rare as most people think it is. And that’s not even talking about zoophilia, necrophilia, transids, consang, or any other number of other radqueer identities. 

You may be wondering, if there are so many MAPs in the world, then why doesn’t it seem like it? It’s like I said, a lot of people just don’t know it yet. A study by Newsweek shows that the number of people who identify as LGBTQ+ in the United States has more than doubled in the last decade, and those numbers are way higher now than they would’ve been multiple decades ago. While any number of factors could have contributed to this, the main one is just that with representation on the rise and public attitude towards queer people getting better, more people are realizing they are queer and feeling safe enough to say that they are.

A group like NAMbLA had over 1,000 people registered as members, it’s not like all those pedophiles just disappeared. We’re still here, we’re just hiding. And hiding means that those who struggle with being attracted to minors will never realize that it’s okay to be a MAP. The result? It seems like there are a lot less of us than there really are.

This is not something we should internalize. When we start thinking that radqueers are something rare, we think that finding others like us is impossible. I’ve heard of stories of people going out and bumping into strangers who turned out to be a radqueer. I’ve seen friends who knew each other for a while find out that each other are MAPs, and they had no idea the entire time. I have met dozens of radqueers in the pacific northwest alone. With certainty, I can say that we are not “rare”. How do we unlearn thinking that we are? By just looking at the facts presented. In many cultures across history, minor-attraction has existed, just look at ancient Greece. Certainly if it wasn’t rare then then it’s not rare now.

Additionally, people not knowing about the radqueer ideology is a problem. Every time someone learns about the radqueer community, there’s that 1-in-20 chance that they’re someone who struggles with who they are, and that learning about us will give them a space where they can unlearn the internalization that being a MAP, or zoo, or what have you, is bad. If the cause behind the internalization of being “rare” is that people don’t know these communities exist, then let’s fix the problem at the source. That’s one thing that I will say is great about the internet, it gives us the stage to do just that.

Speaking of which, the idea that being a paraphile or transid is somehow bad is an internalization that many people struggle with. We spend so long being told all these awful things about “child molesters” and whatnot, and even when we know it’s not true about us, we can’t help but think that maybe we deserve to be hated, that something is wrong with us that must be fixed. This internalization seems to be one that a lot of folks in this community have unlearned, but many still haven’t. 

Sometimes this internalization goes even further. When you take so many hits to your mental health and start to think that maybe you are just a predator, it can be hard to feel like you owe the world compassion. If it’s treated you like garbage, then why should you care about treating it well? 

Radqueers are not predators. We’re not bigots, or abusers, or anything of the sort. Sure, some people like that exist in the community, but every community does. It doesn’t mean that’s who we all are. We must stop thinking that there’s anything wrong with being who we are, and instead embrace it. Having community, both online and in-person, has been very helpful for me with this; once you start to spend time with others like you, you learn just how deep the lies society tells about you go. 

You can unlearn this internalization by just looking in the mirror. You know who you are, society doesn’t. It doesn’t matter what keyboard warriors online think you are, all that matters is what you think. And what we think about ourselves is important. It affects our mental health, how we interact with the community, the opinions we hold, etc. I know it can be hard to not feel that way when it’s all people say, but that’s why it’s important that we surround ourselves with good people. Make friends who will support you and who know that you’re not a monster, and don’t give into bait from antis, just block them.  

I could list any number of other internalizations. We internalize that sexuality is harmful, we internalize that we’re criminals, we internalize that we can’t make change—I could go on about any one of these subjects, but I want to keep this post brief. Maybe I will in the future.

To summarize everything that I’ve said (I’m avoiding using the phrase “in conclusion” so that people don’t think I use AI to write my articles), internalization is extremely dangerous. It is of the upmost importance that we don’t internalize mindsets that are harmful to our community. We are not rare; we exist everywhere. We are not hated by everyone; we have supporters. We are not doomed; we do have a future if we work towards it. We are not monsters; we are people who just want acceptance. 

I know internalization is hard to unlearn, by the very nature of it it is something subconsciously baked into us that’s hard to get rid of, but we can do it. And the first step is knowing how to spot internalized behaviors, which is my main hope with this blog post. If any of these mindsets sound like something you’ve been struggling with, I hope this helps you realize how wrong they are. These are all things that our enemies want us to believe because they know it makes us weaker. Unlearning is fighting back.